I haven't posted anything in a long time. I have had a couple of thoughts that I thought I would like to put up here, but I generally lose interest before I can finish (or even start) it. However, I do like being able to look back on certain days and see what happened on them (ie SPW). Also, it's interesting to see how I type has changed over the last couple years. It seems like the last couple posts were overly verbose and the sentences were too crazy.
Anyways, I feel like blogs are a really weird way to record your thoughts. In some ways, it's really cool because you can write down what you're thinking at the time but it's cooler than a journal because you're writing it with the knowledge that other people will read it. On the other hand, you're writing down your thoughts and posting them on the internet, where anyone can read them. So I want to be able to post things I think are interesting or I want to share, but it basically just ends up I stop writing things because I'm never satisfied with what I put up. Even with all this anonymity.
So as I was going to sleep the other night, I was thinking to myself that everything you try and do in life has a "moment" that defines whether or not you will be successful. Depending on what type of endeavor it is, the moment can be a part of a series that lasts over many years, or something as short as a few seconds. Say you're playing football and you want to put a pass on your target. While I was thinking to myself that there are plenty of moments in time to place the ball where you want, for you, as an individual, there is actually just one. This is because as you look around and go through the situation, YOU will only be able to identify that one instant from your perspective, and you have to make the decision perfectly in that instant (someone else may make that decision in a different moment, but again, for them, there will still just be that instant). Similarly, I feel like this can be extrapolated to most of life. If you are working on your career, there is going to be a moment when you are moving up to the next job, where you might need to take sides with the right people, or throw someone under the bus, or make a gut check decision that can mean everything. Or if you are trying to meet your significant other, the two of you have to be able to find a moment where both of you are enraptured with each other (couldn't think of a better word). To get caught up in the conversation, or the midst of the evening, where you can look at each other and both feel the same emotion (maybe that's why relationships are so hard). At any rate, if you look at things this way, you can either be a person who lives for these moments, or someone who lives in fear of them.
posted by juss 8:07 PM
As tends to be the practice, I've stumbled upon some realization concerning the intricacies of daily life through relatively boorish means. In general, I tend to err on the side of reservation, but while I know that someone will inevitably read this, I would like people to think about this, and maybe we could have a nice discussion.
This summer, after much careful and thought out debate, I decided to come back to Houston to work, based on a number of factors. Obvious variables included the work available, specific work-related terms, family, friends, and my estimation of the future. These were all pretty straightfoward things, and I'm fairly comfortable with how everything is working out. However, having returned to Houston has given me ample opportunity to generate some insight into how I view life.
I've always been one of those people who sees life in a pretty cut-and-dry/black-and-white way. While I do enjoy debating the finer semantical points of some obscure reference (and often enjoy making a big deal about them), generally speaking, I see things as one way or the other. In this vein, I have modeled my behavior in such a way to reflect this matter of opinion.
I still consider two years to be a pretty long amount of time, and I imagine that most people would agree that spending two years away from someone will lead to a tremendous amount of change. After having returned to Houston, I, naturally, made a number of phone calls, which for various reasons, I feel like weren't really received very well. And I'm ok with that, that's not even a problem. People move on to bigger and better things (not to imply I am not a big or good thing). However, whenever I am presented with something like that, where I feel that some relationship, or pseudo-relationship, has ended, then I just cut it off.
I don't intend to be a mean-spirited person, or act as a person who has no dedication or loyalty to the things which I choose to associate myself with. This is just a normal reaction that I have. When there are people that I don't talk to (or don't enjoy talking to) on any means of communication, then I promptly remove that person and forget about them. This is a very arbitrary measure, based on my ability to discern from other individuals their true intentions, and I suspect that a great majority of the time I am wrong. Despite this, I stand by most of my actions (who else would?) and I will contend that this is often the simplest and most direct way to deal with things. Most people would agree that they would not submit to any unenjoyable, easily avoided tasks. There are too many possible analogies that can be used here, but I guess that this is my warning to you all: I choose to end things as quickly as I've determined that my efforts are useless.
Logically, this progression makes complete and perfect sense to me. However, history is littered with positive results from people who refused to give up. Inspiring stories of people who refused to let others dictate how the world works. And there is a lot to be said about perseverance in the face of adversity. Circumstantially, it just depends on how clearly you understand the situation. I may be now taking the central idea of this rambling to a completely different and more complicated issue, but I always have lurking concerns that maybe I didn't put it all out there because for whatever reason I was scared. Maybe I just quit because it became a nuisance. And maybe, i keep coming up short because of it.
posted by juss 4:30 PM